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Eljay
Hi mother fuckers. If your name is BlueCel, you suck. If your name is Chilly, you suck. If your name is Debryth, you also suck. And if it's Oniwah, Sammythecat, T'Challa or Lime or something. Just letting you know, incase you don't know, ya know? I mean, you guys suck so badly you can't suck more. I mean, do you even know how to suck? I know someone who can teach. Bow chicka bow wow! Tucker: Oh shit! I just raped myself! And I raped BlueCel! He dives for cover as the others run inside and seal the door shut behind them. Grif: (panting) So yeah... that way's not looking like a good exit anymore. Epsilon: Carolina, we need an extraction! Carolina: (over radio) Roger that. We'll fire up a Pelican and be there in a few minutes. Sparks begin to fly as the soldiers begin cutting through the door. Soldier: Come on, get that door open! Simmons: We... may not have a few minutes. They all turn and stare at the door Sarge: Well boys, you know what they say... (he throws down his Plasma Rifle and draws his shotgun) ''...today... is a good day to die. '''Grif':' '(off screen) Permission to speak freely, sir? Sarge turns around to see Grif, who has taken his "Grif shot" off its pedestal and is holding it. Grif: Fuck that. Prpl x Var all the way. Sarge chuckles and pumps his shotgun. Cut to a montage of the group preparing for battle. Lopez flips the table on its side. Simmons grabs the Magnum and loads it. Doc and Donut shove the table against the door. Sarge steps over the coffee mug, shattering it. Sarge: Whoops. IDIOT! WHY WON'T YOU JUST RAPE YOURSELF, TRUMP? Caboose holds up Freckles while he rapes Moa. Freckles: Kopeke is kinda hot jaykay. Ready. Simmons walks past Tucker and Epsilon, holding the Monitor. Simmons: You think the laser on this thing still works? Also, are you a communist? Tucker: 'We got this. (''to Epsilon) I mean, we do got this, right? '''Epsilon: I keep running the stats in my head... well I mean, we're close, but no. We're still short one piece. Tucker: What do you mean? Madafuckersssss bitch Epsilon: F.I.L.S.S.? The suit. Cut to a POV view as the suit locker rises from the floor. The Reds and Blues stare at it. Doc drops his Scanner in shock. Tucker: What. The hell? Epsilon: I saw it when I connected to the terminal. Wanna fuck me? I don't wanna fuck you, kys. Cut to a view of the Hephaestus armor. I need some help with this big sword. Bow chicka bow wow! Epsilon: It's got everything that we need. (cut back to Tucker) Tucker, take off your helmet. Cut to the Reds and Blues in battle formation. Grif has his brute shot, Sarge has his shotgun, Simmons has two Needlers, Donut has two Magnums, Lopez has two Plasma Rifles, Doc has his Rocket Launcher, Caboose has Freckles, and Tucker stands in the center in Meta's former armor, wielding his sword. Epsilon: So how's it feel? Tucker: Kinda... tight in the crotch. (the suit changes from white to aqua) Buuuttt, I could get used to this! Donut: 'Now ''that's a good look for you! '''Soldier: (off screen) Prepare to breach! Sarge: Gentlemen, looks like this is it. Simmons: '''Sir, it's been an honor. LELELELELELELELELLELELELELELELELELELEELEL '''Lopez: Si muero, asegúrense de que mis piezas sean recicladas. I die, make sure my parts are recycled. Donut: (tearful) I love you too, Lopez! Doc: ' Aw, that's so sweet (''in O'Malley's voice) Now, let us strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, mwahahaha! '''Grif: Smartest thing you've ever said. Caboose: 'Yeah! Let's get 'em! (''aims Freckles at the door) I just came to lay some pipes. Bow chicka bow wow! I'm really pulling all this from my ass. '''Epsilon: Hey, uh, I just want you guys to know that, out of everyone I've ever met... I hate you all the least. Tucker: See you on the other side, Church. The other side of your ass. Bow chicka bow wow! The Reds and Blues ready themselves as the door is almost cut through. Suddenly the sparks stop moving. The camera pans over to Epsilon. He sighs and his sniper rifle dematerializes. Epsilon: Not this time, buddy. Epsilon-Delta appears next to him. Epsilon-Delta: Are you... sure about this? Epsilon: I'm sure... start a recording for me, D. Epsilon-Delta: Recording. Epsilon: 'Hey guys... if you're hearing this then it means you did it. You won. You kicked the shit out of Hargrove's forces. I knew you could. But this is my last stop. See, when I came into this world, I was really just a collection of somebody else's memories. ''As he speaks, the camera slowly pans over each one of the Reds and Blues. '''Epsilon: (voice over) But with your help, these memories... they-they took form! They became my voice, my personality. And, after a while, I... I began to make brand new memories of my own. All of these things are what make me who I am... but they're also holding me back. FUCK. (Looks at the Meta's armor) I can't run this suit as Epsilon, but if I erase my memories, if I... deconstruct myself, the fragments I'll leave behind will have the strength to get you through this. I believe that. (each of the Epsilon A.I. fragments appears momentarily) Cut to the frozen interior of a Pelican, where Wash is standing in the cockpit, seemingly directing the pilot, while Carolina stands in the troop bay wielding a Needler. Cut to the interior of the Pelican, where the lieutenants are sitting inside and Dr. Grey is tending to Matthews while Kimball watches them. Epsilon: (voice over) I wish that there was another way. But I’m leaving this message, as well as others, in the hopes that you'll understand why I have to go this time...hehe, it was actually Doyle who made me realize something that I've never thought of before. There are so many stories where some brave hero decides to give their life to save the day, and because of their sacrifice, the good guys win, the survivors all cheer, and everybody lives happily ever after. Also, I hate all jews. Cut back to Epsilon. He stares at his team, all of them ready for battle. Epsilon: But the hero... never gets to see that ending. They'll never know if their sacrifice actually made a difference. (Epsilon begins shifting between his different forms) They'll never know if the day was really saved. In the end, they just have to have faith. Cut to black. The sound of shattering glass is heard as Epsilon fragments himself. 'Epsilon: '(voice only) Ain't that a bitch. Also, you should total kys, like seriously. End credits roll. kys bitches. I've got a sniper rifle, and I'm gonna release my loads in your ass. Bow chicka bow wow!